I’ve taken a break from writing reviews to sort out some life issues I’m dealing with. Hence, this Musings series is born. I wrote this entry in one take/setting and one edit round.
After watching LADY BIRD, I stumbled upon some interesting ideas. And while they’re not wholly original, I want to write them down, since I’ve found writing forces me to reflect more than if I just “sit and think.”
My theme word for 2020 has been/is GRATITUDE. (Confession: I’ve actually wrote this word on my mirror with a dry-erase marker to remind myself.) I’ve been noticing that I have neither been thinking grateful, nor feeling grateful, nor acting grateful (not in terms of pretending, but rather my actions) towards others, even and especially those I love. And this has a huge impact on my mindset and as a result, I’ve been experiencing more lows than highs.
So it took me a while to realize that the actual theme words I’m living out so far have been the ones I’ve been thinking to myself far too often: “SICK AND TIRED OF ___.” (Probably timely to insert #INTJInTheGrip here.) Contrast this with what my theme word was set to – I’ve evidently been failing at this whole GRATITUDE Theme of the Year. As in, rock bottom fail… (My pet name for my “lows” is My Pit of Darkness, with a slight nod to the David’s Psalms.)
It’s actual a relief to say this aloud. That I can finally explicitly state my challenges. That I can finally take the next step.
Anyone else out there who’s a firm believer in …
So why am I not grateful? I have everything I need. More than I deserve, that’s for certain. But how can I change my mentality towards all of this?
I realized that my definition of SUCCESS is not well-defined since I’ve never actually wrote an essay on “what is success and what should/does it look like in my life?” Thinking back, I probably should have. (And, as I mentioned above, I have this weakness that if I don’t write something out, I won’t necessarily think it through all the way.)
I’ve a theory – I probably got it from somewhere but I don’t remember where. The important thing is that 1) I remember it and 2) it WORKS. Here is the formula:
The reality that is less than an expectation equals disappointment.
My definition of SUCCESS is the “expectation” part of the above equation. And since I am not fully aware of exactly what my expectations have been, and my mind is evidently subconsciously aware of some sort of expectation since I’ve been feeling disappointed (not at a person or people, more myself and/or my life as it is) for longer than I should have, I’ve resolved that my First Step out of this Pit of Darkness should be Define SUCCESS.
And I wonder, do people in depression always or even usually feel disappointed? And if so, with whom/what? What do you think of this, of my thoughts here as a whole (so far)?
~To Be Continued~
P.S. All GIFs are from BBC’s Sherlock TV series. It’s hauntingly amazing how Sherlock absolutely expresses accurately all my current emotions/facial expressions… 😛
